MAMA'S LONELINESS
"If you go on like this, you will end up miserable"
"What evil did I do, to give birth to you, such an unfilial daughter"
"Go fool around with your friends! Don't ever call me mama again"
I put on invisible earbuds
Stride out of the house
Wander out all day long
When returning
You wear a light-blue gird apron
Are making dinner for me in the kitchen
Face gloomy, like the sky about to rain
The kitchen smelled of oily fume that is
Flavored of life
That's your smell
Mama
Your, smell of loneliness
There are other times
When I return
You bend your back and sit on the sofa in the living room
Calling your friends, to get some comfort
Your face is gloomy all the same
But you're faking some giggles
Like you always teach me:
"Bring a smile in front of people"
"Don't wash your dirty linen in public"
Frankly speaking, mama
I hate your hypocrisy sometimes
Can I call it hypocrisy?
But now
You're still faking giggles
Turning your cheeks to face the window
The setting sun throws in a streak of dull light
The light shines on your side face
You are still so beautiful, mama
You always complain that I'm not as good at skin-care as you are
But, this beautiful side face
Lets me see again, in an instant, your loneliness
The side face in this dull light
That is your color, dull
Even when we are relatively calm
I'm still willing to spend time outside
I'm worried that once we're relaxed
It would detonate a bomb hidden somewhere
I go out, say goodbye to you
You are staring at the TV
With a hot-water-bag on your shoulder and neck
Also say to me, goodbye
In the TV series on the screen
The dialogue between the Communist Army and the Nationalist Party
Every day entangled in such similar plots
That is your sound
Mama
Your, sound of loneliness
There are very few times
We sit quietly and eat together
Because of the love and fear to each other
We have no choice but to, keep our mouths shut
On the table leaving only
The sound of chewing
And the crackling typing sound when you
Check your cellphone from time to time
Is that a way for you to avoid embarrassment
A very difficult meal
After the meal, we are both relieved
You go to the balcony and look into the distance, stretching
Don't know what is thinking in your head
In the end you turn your back to me
Put your hands on your slender waist
One leg bends softly
Like a very charming middle-aged woman that
No one cares about
I slowly stretch out my hand
Wanting to touch this
Very charming shape of yours
However, besides loneliness
I only reach
An imperceptible sigh
Sometimes, I hope you could
Be happier, I hope you could
Be lively, but
Loneliness has overgrown in your body
Since my birth
You have grown into this
Beautiful, lonely, woman
And that is why
Mama
I don't want to have a child of my own
by Xi Nan (西楠)
About the Author: Xi Nan (西楠), born in China, writes and translates, indie publisher, author of different genres. Some works of hers are published in English. Her translation work of ten poems (originally authored by Fish Lu in Chinese) was nominated by Terror House Magazine for the 2020 American Pushcart literary prize. She graduated from London School of Economics and Political Science, now lives in Hangzhou and London.
Her Twitter : @XiNan_WhaleStu
Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/xinan.writes/